The narrative that I most frequently hear is one centered around “The Sandwich Generation.” In brief, people in the middle stages of life feel stretched to take care of their own children as well as their parents. Statistics about costs, loss of labor contribution, and the like are often cited, and I believe the result is a negative view about aging parents.

These grandmothers and grandfathers are “interrupting plans,” “interfering with career opportunities,” “draining the family coffers.”

Such statements are problematic for multiple reasons, and the unspoken message is clear: “Don’t get in my way, mom and dad.” Indeed, many of the patients I work with so strongly fear the possibility of being seen as a burden to their families that they refuse to ask for help. This is a recipe for accidental injury and family strain.

But, what about when the roles are reversed?

According to recent articles by Fortune and Bloomberg, grandparents (and grandmothers in particular) are increasingly being asked to provide childcare for their grandchildren. In fact, 72% of employed Americans claim that their work would be negatively impacted if grandmothers were unable to provide unpaid childcare. Further, 20% say they would not be able to work at all due to high independent childcare costs.

On the surface, the arrangement is ideal. Grandparents are obviously qualified for the job, as they have decades of experience raising their own kids. They are also invested in their charges, being related by blood and not just a monetary contract. Finally, if grandparents are retired then they have the time availability to provide childcare.

Growing up in a single-parent household, it was always understood that my grandmother would step in if my mom happened to be held up at work. My mother couldn’t have made all the pieces fit without the help of my grandmother.

Sounds perfect, right?

What often goes overlooked is the fact that grandparents, too, have plans, have career opportunities, and have financial stressors. What if mom wanted to travel the world? What if dad was gearing up for an encore career? These considerations get pushed aside, and I imagine it is difficult for grandparents to protest.

It would take nerves of steel or extreme tact to say one would rather travel than help raise a grandchild. One cannot say, “Don’t get in my way, daughter or son.”

And so, often unacknowledged, the older generations step in to help. Of course the bigger issue has to do with market pressures and a national childcare system held together by shoestring and bubblegum (at least in the good ol’ USA). Nowadays it’s very difficult for an average family to survive without both spouses working, and childcare services alone can cost a whole paycheck. But as can be seen, such challenges don’t just impact the “sandwich” generation.

If we could come up with a simile for grandparents, where both the bottom and middle layers put pressure on the top, then it might come close to describing the double-bind faced by the older generation. Maybe the grandchildren are a flame, the children are a tea kettle, and the grandparents are the whistling top, trying to control the pressure? We’ll work on that.

The point is that the strain can go in both directions.

If you are a grandparent tasked with providing childcare, I encourage you to know your worth. There is nothing wrong with negotiating a little bit to find some agreeable terms.

• Perhaps you could agree on some form of compensation, such as a paycheck or the equivalent. As of 2021, the average cost of childcare was $883 per month. That amount has only increased since then.


• Come to a compromise on how many hours you can devote to childcare, and negotiate for vacation days.


• Consider trading tasks with your children. If you provide childcare for grandchildren, maybe your children could do work around your home.

If you have worked hard for retirement, then you deserve to enjoy it. If childcare is part of that enjoyment, then all the better. But, if you find yourself obligated to step into a job that you didn’t bargain for, then it’s okay to set your own terms.

A special thanks to all of the grandparents out there who swoop in to save the day. You help the family, the community, and the economy more than people give you credit for.

……….

If you’re interested in exploring these ideas more, check out my new book available on Amazon: The Golden Rules of Retirement: A Psychologist’s Guide To Living Life to the Fullest, No Matter Your Financial Situation. Kindle and paperback editions are available now by going to the following link: https://www.amazon.com/Golden-Rules-Retirement

And, stay tuned for details, including release date, upcoming sales, and future books in the Golden Rules series by visiting my website: lifecanbegolden.com/

-Lee Penn, PhD